Steal from the rich and give to the poor.

For the past couple of years, I've had a minor problem. When I drink, I tend to "borrow" things, sometimes alone, sometimes in group... OR I convince others to "borrow" things.
But not for me! I never keep the things I borrow, I give them away!

Here are some stories of what I'm talking about:

4 years ago:

Me and 2 friends were doing some Saturday day drinking in the grove or gables, don't remember, when one of us, had the brilliant idea to give our friend David a gift.

David is the kind of person who is very generous and enjoys sending gag gifts to people by mail, or even leaving them outside of people's home (anything from inflatable chairs, flamingos, plants, bumper stickers, just plain crap)

Well, now it was our turn to return the favor, and give him something that WAS GOOD. Something he would remember us by FOREVER.

But what could be that good or impactful?

As the liquor filled our brains and flowed through our blood stream, someone mentioned a HUGE statue of David they had seen outside an apartment building in the gables a few days back... Then mentioned it was just standing out there and would be easy to take, and we could leave it outside David's house. PERFECT! a statue of David! For David!

We all get in my jaguar, and drive to the apartment building. Yes a jaguar -- We figured we would take my car, because WHO STEALS property, at 2 pm, in broad daylight in a JAGUAR in THE GABLES? no one. It would look like it was ours, and no one would ask questions.... Smart right??? ha.

I pull up to the apartment building, look at the statue from the drivers seat, and realize IT IS a lot bigger than what I had expected. AND IT'S PURE STONE.

My male friend gets out of the back seat, runs towards the statue, grabs it and pulls.

it doesn't move.

The statue is BURIED in the fucking soil.

OK. Picture this scenario: This statue is stone. and it's buried. and I'm driving so I'm not getting out of the car. my trunk is open. and my friend yelling "i can't, i can't, it's too heavy"

PULL! Me and the girl in the car are yelling PULL! COMMON! HURRY!

He wiggles the 300 pound statue out of the dirt, pulling on command, grabbed it and throws it in the trunk.

The car plops to the floor bc of the weight. It looks like I'm driving a hooptie.

"Hurry! Drive! Hurry! Drive!" are the only words coming out of him mouth.

I'm shaking.

I'm driving like 60 miles per hour through the streets on Miami like a fugitive on the run!

My friend turns to me and says: look, it was heavy, the statues leg broke. I left the leg behind.

We could not stop laughing!!!!

We drove to David's house, made sure he was not home, took the statue out of the car, and left it on the front door.

Mission accomplished.

T'ill this day, the statue remains at the front of the house. David has then moved from the house, but the statue was too heavy to move, so it remains standing naked, at some random person's house.

Here is a pic of the statue at David's house the day we stole it, with the missing leg:

3 years ago:

3 years ago I was invited to a Kentucky Derby party. This was the first time I had heard about the Kentucky derby, and that people had parties for this event ( i must have lived under a rock, or maybe just spent too much time at a club to realize this event even took place)
I was informed by my then boyfriend that I could invite friends, so i invited 2 girlfriends to join me at some random persons house in the grove. How bad could it be? There would be free drinks, it was during the day, all we had to do was show up.

Perfect. I gather the girls at the house and my BF drives us to the party. We get to the house, walk in, and see about 40-50 people, some in the kitchen making mint something and some type of tea with alcohol drink, others in the living room, some in the back yard, some playing cricket. None of whom I've ever met in my entire life. So i stick to the living room, literally double fisting drinks. Me and my friends get bored. it happens when you don't know anyone.... so we keep drinking.

I don't recall how much time passes, or what happens, i really think i blocked it out, all i remember is that we are by the front door, on the way out and i see 2 wooden-like/ maybe stone dog statues. UGLY, UGLY statues, but I'm like a little girl in a candy store!

I love the dogs! I want the dogs. I'm going to take A dog. or maybe I'll convince my friend to take it....

Hey _____ Grab it, put it in the car.

Without even thinking about it, she grabs the dog and runs out of the house.

I can't believe she took the dog! I'm cracking up.

We run outside. My BF is still in the house and so is 1 of my GF's who we brought. They are slowing down the getaway process.

I'm outside with the dog wrapped in a hat -- the large ones for the derby, and screaming "let's GO!"

They get to the car, and we explain WE HAVE TO GO.

They don't know whats going on until my friend reveals the goods in the car, and says "Stephanie made me do it"

Made her? I did not have a gun! all i said was take the dog! i didn't think she would actually take the dog!!!



What the dog looked like sort of-- sort of, but i think it was darker, and had a tongue... :

Now what? it's 6 pm... it's early, and we have an ugly stone dog with us.... to keep the rush going, we drive around brickell with the dog, making randoms take pictures with it. and Even take it to dinner and drinks at the Conrad, make the chef take a picture with it.... it was all in good fun.

Until the next day.

I wake up, go to work, and I get an urgent 911 text message asking my BF to call him.

so i call. I think he's in the hospital.

he's not. he's shaking. His voice is quivering.

Conversation goes as follows:

Me: Whats wrong? Are you dying?

Him: no, I just got a call from my friend who invited us to the party. The owner of the house knows the dog is missing, he says its a family heirloom and someone saw your friend walk out with it. Owner says if we don't return the dog he will call the cops and press charges.

Me: Are you kidding me? family heirloom?? the dog is wood? it prob costs no more than $30.00! W/E take the dog back

Him: Stephanie, you stole private property, and now they are going to arrest me

Me: no one is going to arrest you. just leave the dog on the doorstep

him: I think you need to return the dog, not me.

Me: YEAH RIGHT! i don't even know these ppl. Just go to the house, leave the dog on the doorstep, ring the door bell, and run.

Him: ok.

Yup, he did it. We went to the house and left the dog on the doorstep in fear that he would get arrested. I don't know if he ran, but i do know we were never invited to another lame party again!

Thanks for the dog, and for all the great pictures!

P.S. I later found the dog at pier1imports.com for 59.99. Family heirloom my ass.


Needless to say I never stole a dog again. Well, anything noticeable to be exact.